HOUSTON—In a small gathering of acquaintances, former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan reportedly celebrated his 50th birthday Sunday with the last five people on the planet whom the six-time NBA champion hasn’t totally alienated yet. “It’s great that everybody could be here to pay tribute to me,” said Jordan, addressing guests at the sparsely attended festivities, which included a bookie, two paid escorts, a nephew who still speaks to the five-time NBA MVP, and former Bulls center Bill Cartwright. “That’s a pretty sorry-ass pile of presents. Christ, you people are fucking losers.” At press time, Jordan had alienated every guest at his party and was alone eating a piece of cake.

UPDATE: Furious Michael Jordan wanted fucking ice cream cake