0MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, careening through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.
More News in Brief
Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party
'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say
ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence ...
Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker
BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave ...
Call From Daycare Can't Be Good
HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that ...
