02,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449 on the world's true calendar, died yesterday in his subterranean bedchamber. He was 112. Mytron, who assumed clandestine dominion of the planet upon the sudden withering of Hemmonphanes the Ancient, was perhaps best known for engineering more than 200 wars, economic catastrophes, and famines, and for having psychokinetic control over the inner thoughts of every man, woman, and child on earth. "He'll be missed," said a longtime friend and Roman Catholic archbishop who declined to be identified. Mytron is survived by 251 offspring, primarily from his human wives.
More News in Brief
Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken
WASHINGTON—Calling a press conference Wednesday to address a matter of grave seriousness, a major public organization reportedly reassured those in attendance that steps will ...
Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly
ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday ...
Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence
BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position ...
