IRVING, TX—As the Dallas Cowboys struggle with a 1-6 season, sports fans nationwide have been saddened by the bad fortune that has befallen the franchise long revered as one of the NFL's crown jewels, and known throughout the football world as America's Team.
Actually, the U.S. populace immediately confirmed, the Cowboys' pathetic collapse has brought with it nothing but pure joy and happiness.
"It's really been tough to watch, especially for a team that had so much potential heading into the season," Appleton, WI shopkeeper and longtime Packers fan Erik Hoyer said. "Ha! I was almost able to say that with a straight face. Honestly, this Cowboys team has made watching football more fun than it's been in years. They can't run the ball, they can't defend anything, and they're imploding so bad that their owner doesn't even know how many games they've played."
"I can't think of a better team for this to happen to," he added. "I literally can't stop smiling."
According to the American people, to think that the Cowboys—an organization that has been synonymous with excellence for decades—have fallen to last place in their conference and all but come apart at the seams has been very difficult. That is, the nation explained, if the definition of "difficult" involves loving life more than ever, especially when thinking about how the Jacksonville Jaguars beat the team at Cowboys Stadium in front of 80,000 loud and insufferable fans.
Disappointed citizens—who explained that they were not so much disappointed as they were elated and filled with a renewed sense of justice in the universe—said the real icing on the cake is thinking about how upset the entire city of Dallas will be this February when hosting a Super Bowl that does not include the Cowboys.
"You know, I thought I would really enjoy something like this, but a football season doesn't feel like a season if the Cowboys don't have a chance at making the playoffs," New York Giants fan and banker David McQuillan said. "That said, would any of you like to watch six hours of highlights from all the Cowboys' losses? I've saved them all on my DVR, because sometimes when I'm having a tough time at work I watch the Giants 41-35 victory and the look on Wade Phillips' dumb face just cheers me right up.
"Man, I'm going to love when that guy gets fired," McQuillan continued. "It's going to be so sweet I can taste it."
Like the Yankees in baseball, the Cowboys are known throughout the country as a team that prides itself on excellence, a team that has come to embody its sport. And when star quarterback Tony Romo went down with a clavicle injury several weeks ago, the disappointment could be felt from coast-to-coast.
"Hearing Romo scream when his collarbone snapped will always be one of my favorite memories," Washington, D.C. resident Nick Thomason said. "I was pretty young when Dallas went 1-15 in 1989, but I still remember their only win that year was against my Redskins. It's like the football gods were repaying me by making sure he was miked up during that game."
"I thought I would cherish the day when the Cowboys completely imploded," 44-year-old James Tolliver of Providence, RI said. "And I was right. This has been absolutely wonderful."
According to a recent USA Today poll, 45 percent of the country said that no team deserves to perform this terribly under this much pressure, except for the Dallas Cowboys. Thirty-two percent said that the season has been emotionally taxing for people who grew up worshipping Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, and Emmitt Smith, and that those people should probably go fuck themselves anyway.
Ninety-nine percent of respondents said that if karma has caught up with the Cowboys, and they are finally getting payback for all the times Michael Irvin pushed off and was never called for it, or all the years they mysteriously never played an away game in December, then karma is the greatest thing in the history of the world.
"Firing the coach, hiring a new coach, players wanting to be traded, Romo's toughness questioned in the locker room—there are going to be some amazing meltdowns coming, mark my words," said lifelong Dallas resident Stephen Lowndes, who has been steeped in Cowboys lore all his life without being asked if that was what he wanted. "Plus, they're about due for a major drug incident, or maybe a strip-club brawl or something, just to make the season perfect. And months down the road, long after they miss the playoffs, they get to screw up the draft. Really, you have to grow up getting this team rammed down your throat every single fucking minute of every single goddamn day of your life to appreciate how much I'm loving this."
"Seriously, best season ever," Lowndes added. "How 'bout them Cowboys!"