LOS ANGELES—In a group statement released Monday to all known broadcast, cable, online, and print news outlets, publicists from throughout the entertainment industry urgently warned that the nation's celebrities remain "dangerously under-famous" and need to become "much, much more" famous than they currently are.
Citing what they referred to as "an alarming lack" of buzz, heat, press, and word-of-mouth surrounding the country's celebrities, the consortium of publicists called for immediate action to help remedy deficiencies in celebrity name-recognition and career-awareness nationwide.
"The current level of celebrity fame is, quite simply, unacceptable," the strongly worded statement read in part. "We, as a society, must rectify this problem by paying more attention to the celebrities who occupy the public sphere, right away and without delay. Their faces need to be on more magazines covers, their names need to be spoken aloud more often, and their careers need to be more unmistakably on the rise."
"The time for standing idly by while fame levels stagnate or drop is over" the statement concluded. "The nation's celebrities desperately need real, quality face-time with the American public, and they need it now."
Publicists everywhere, all of whom are in total agreement about the grave conclusions reached in the collective report, stressed that the nation's actors, musicians, competitive dance show contestants, satellite-radio personalities, game show hosts, politicians, media pundits, club-scene staples, talk-show circuit regulars, authors of bestselling legal thrillers, models, infotainment providers, fashion designers, charity spokespersons, comedians, athletes, pop singers, television evangelists, porn stars with tell-all autobiographies being published soon, professional poker players, independent filmmaking auteurs, high-profile magazine editors, and magicians are all on the cusp of greater stardom and require the immediate fascination of mainstream America.
According to the consortium of publicists, it is also absolutely crucial that the nations' celebrities achieve crossover fame in multiple markets.
"Our mission is to ensure celebrities get their names out there and keep them out there," said publicist Luke Stone, explaining that these people—and notably his clients—are all the very highest talents in their respective fields. "They are simply too good and too gifted not to be seen and heard. Everyone in the country should be talking about these people."
While noting that the reasons the nation's celebrities deserve more attention are "innumerable," the publicists listed a number of specific factors such as likability, overall sexiness, personality, charm, and the fact that they have a big new project coming out right now that represents the best work—by far—of their entire careers.
The publicists also stressed that, although a nice low-profile indie project would go a long way toward solidifying the artistic credibility of the nation's celebrities, what they urgently require right now is a hit.
"There are approximately 6 billion human beings living on this planet, and we believe each and every one of them should know not only who the nation's celebrities are, but what they are working on, what they have just finished, and what their plans after this may or may not turn out to be," publicist Janet Thompson said. "Additionally, the topics of what they are wearing, who they are dating, and where they are going on vacation are urgent matters about which awareness must be increased as soon as possible."
Reiterating that the nation's celebrities are currently at the peak of their powers and primed for either a breakout hit, a successful follow-up, or the comeback of a lifetime, publicists across the country lamented the fact that so many famous individuals are not being provided with the support they so urgently need.
"The sad fact we are facing is that many famous people today exist below the level of household name," publicist James Friar, also a signatory of the statement, told reporters. "For example, there are literally billions of people out there who do not even know who Graham Bunn is. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. And that is something we should all be ashamed of."
"Even a cursory glance at Graham Bunn's body of work reveals him to be an extraordinary individual," he added.
As of press time, each and every one of the celebrities asked to comment on the ongoing fame-inadequacy emergency were available, in the form of exclusive interviews, magazine cover stories, and high-profile television appearances, and could be reached via their respective publicists.