CARPINTERIA, CA—Executives at fast food chain Carl's Jr. announced today the release of the new Bedtime Burger, a sandwich designed specifically to be consumed while fast asleep. "Just place the delicious combination of ground beef, lettuce, tomato, pepper-jack cheese, and our patented Slumber-Q sauce directly on your lower lip before turning in for the night and instinct will take over by the time you reach dreamland," Carl's Jr. spokesperson Rick Foster told reporters. "You'll love waking up with that one-of-a-kind, just-ate-a-burger feeling you can't get from our competitors. So sweet dreams—not that that will be difficult with our new 32-ounce P.M. Shakes!" Fast food giant Burger King is reportedly planning to respond to Carl's Jr.'s new line of sleep products by releasing a spicy chicken sandwich for the deceased.