WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one has ever lost a single pound of fat through diet or exercise, and those attempting to do so are advised to abandon their weight loss goals immediately.

The study, conducted by scientists at The National Weight Control Registry, determined conclusively that shedding excess weight has never occurred, changing your appearance is impossible, and that it actually feels “pretty nice” to just give up and realize that you’re powerless to alter your body mass index in any way, shape, or form.

“Our findings indicate that if you’re trying to lose weight, you will fail—and that’s because you can’t, no one has, and you need to stop trying because it will never happen,” said Dr. Rena Wing, lead author of the report. “You could work out every day and eat nothing, and you still wouldn’t lose an ounce. And the sooner you throw up your hands and make peace with that fact, the better off you’ll be.”

“Our data demonstrates that you’re doomed to look the way you look,” Wing added. “You are stuck in your body and it’s never going to look any better than it does right now. In fact, it will only get worse.”

According to the study, running on a treadmill every morning at 6 a.m. will not help anyone lose weight, and neither will cutting carbohydrates from one’s diet, eating smaller portions throughout the day, doing yoga, or hiring a personal trainer. In addition, the study went on to state that everyone who tried the previous methods have only ended up feeling disappointed and in some cases heartbroken, especially after individuals step onto a scale and realize that, after two weeks of healthy eating and nonstop exercise, they’ve actually gained two or more pounds.

The report added that skinny people stay skinny, overweight people remain overweight, that’s how it has always been, that’s how it will always be, and every study, book, or news article you’ve ever read that has told you otherwise has been totally and completely wrong.

“Going to the gym is a waste of time if you are doing it to lose weight,” said University of California physiologist Dr. Andrew Novak, adding that time working out would be better spent reading, spending time with your family, sleeping, watching television, or eating. “Now, if you are exercising to prevent heart disease or cancer, well, new evidence has come to light that exercise actually doesn’t help fend off any sort of debilitating illness. In fact, it never has, and the only thing that can help you avoid terminal diseases is pure, blind fate.”

“Sorry,” he added.

The study went on to say that while losing weight is impossible, gaining weight is not only well within the realm of what is physically achievable, but is “remarkably easy and 100 percent inevitable.”