To discourage players from associating with known felons, the Bengals–Ravens games on Sept. 10 and Nov. 11 have been canceled, and neither team will be allowed to play the Raiders for the foreseeable future

Each team will be visited by an expert who will help players learn when hitting others will be rewarded and when it will be punished

If everyone knows a football player stabbed somebody but no one will admit to it, Goodell is willing to send the whole league to jail just to send a message

Players not participating in the Thanksgiving Day games must watch them at home while eating turkey with their families, instead of raping women and murdering people

If any player is found to be in possession or under the influence of illegal drugs, the NFL will not get mad, just disappointed—a penalty most players find 1,000 times worse

At least once a month, all players must show evidence of sharing and/or caring

Though a friend or relative's engagement should be celebrated, excessive celebration will be punishable by a $100,000 fine

Although the new conduct policy will be extremely stringent, players will be required to fabricate stories and boast about their potential for violence to maintain the NFL's street cred