Following his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama has turned his attention to job creation. Here are some facets of his administration's plan:

  • Everyone permitted one fake college degree per resumé
  • Phasing out second interviews so all three top candidates get hired
  • For one day a week, factories may adopt the wage and safety laws of a Southeast Asian country of the owner's choice
  • Grants to youngsters who are gifted at mining
  • Government program to train unemployed factory workers to weld 500 joints a minute so they stay competitive with robots
  • Offer generous early retirement packages to workers who are extremely good at their jobs, thereby creating four to five new positions for incompetent morons
  • Obama to talk to nation's brothers-in-law one at a time to see if they can make a little something happen at their big-time landscaping businesses
  • Upping education spending to help ensure that Americans' English communication skills are on par with India's and China's by 2018