Obama Seeks Approval Of 'Occupy Wall Street' Protestors By Punching Banker In The Face
Early Polls Indicate 44% of Respondents Saying "It's about damn time" and 32% Wishing For A Kick Instead of Punch
NEW YORK, NY (October 12, 2011) - Apparently seeking to ride the wave of popular anger being expressed by the growing "Occupy Wall Street" movement, today President Obama punched an investment banker in the face.
The punch occurred during a White House meet-and-greet around noon. After a brief speech on tax reform, President Obama called investment banker Ron Milner to the podium and then, without provocation or warning, delivered what witnesses describe as a "haymaker" punch to Mr. Milner's jaw. "That's for ruining the economy, asshole," Mr. Obama remarked, then spit at Mr. Milner's feet and walked away.
Early polls indicate the President's punch is receiving widespread voter approval, with 44% of respondents telling survey-takers "It's about damn time one of those rich pricks got their teeth knocked in" and another 32% saying they wished Obama had kicked Mr. Milner in addition to punching him.
On-the-street interviews with "Occupy Wall Street" protestors also indicate broad support for Obama's action. "I personally do not condone violence of any kind, but come on, you gotta admit that was pretty sweet," activist Louis Cartwright, 32, told Onion News Network reporters. "Obama was all like 'Bam!' and that dickhead banker was like 'No, not my perfect face!' I mean, I would prefer to see Obama push for financial regulatory reform, but that was still pretty awesome."
The banker punch may have also been a boon for President Obama's efforts to pass his American Jobs Act. When asked if he still opposed the bill this afternoon, a visibly nervous Republican house majority leader Eric Cantor said, "No no no. I'll pass whatever the President wants. P-p-please don't let him hurt me."
For more breaking news, tune-in to The Onion’s TV show, “Onion News Network,” Tuesdays at 10/9 Central on IFC.
As co-host of the Onion News Network’s top-rated morning show, Today Now!, Jim Haggerty is no stranger to adventure. On the show, Haggerty has entered NASA simulators, sky-dived into the Grand Canyon, and chewed coca leaves with a group of Peruvian folk musicians who had appeared on the show. Haggerty’s busy schedule doesn’t stop him from pursuing side ventures. He has his own line of men’s fashions, is the spokesman for the EZ Car Vacuum Kit and authored "The Gentleman's Guide To Backyard Grilling." Haggerty studied Psychology at Arizona State University and spent his summers working at a local Renaissance Fair. After college, he moved to New York City and enrolled in a night-school program in broadcasting. His first big break was hosting the Onion Broadcasting Channel talent competition, "Dance, Dance, America, Dance."
Former prosecutor Shelby Cross takes no prisoners in her quest for justice. Whether she's berating a grieving mother for allowing her infant son to get murdered or advising viewers on how to make themselves unappealing to date rapists, Shelby Cross has your back.
As the co-host of the highest-rated morning show on the Onion News Network, Tracy Gill has interviewed thousands of celebrities, public figures, and newsworthy widows. Listed as one of Forbes’ Fiftysomething Most Powerful Women In Television, Gill founded the charity "Umbrellas Of Love" which seeks to spread the word about the dangers of flying debris through ad campaigns and educational programs. (Gill's own childhood friend was killed by an errant piece of plywood while waterskiing.) In order to meet the demanding schedule for Today Now!, Tracy generally only sleeps three hours a day, rising at 2 a.m. to begin the drive to the Onion News Network studios. Gill is the subject of an in-depth biography, “Over the Flames an Eagle Soared: The Tracy Gill Story,” which addressed media claims she is a cutthroat opportunist. In defense of Gill, the author likens Gill to an eagle -- a beautiful and respected figure, but one that must protect itself to survive. Gill is currently married to wealthy television mogul Bob Johanson. 
Co-hosting FactZone is a dream come true for Tucker Hope. Not only does it give Tucker the chance to work side-by-side with the most respected name and most beautiful face in news, it provides the opportunity to use the touchscreen manipulation skills he has been honing since junior high on a touchscreen set up in his family's living room. In fact, Tucker was home-schooled to allow him to focus on perfecting his pinching and zooming and practicing his pronunciation of "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." In order to be at the ready or perhaps to keep an eye over his touchscreen, Tucker never leaves the studio, sleeping on a cot he set up behind his Recon Wall. Due to a contract stipulation created by Brooke, Tucker doesn't get paid by the Onion News Network but receives whatever the gracious FactZone host herself feels like he earned that week. 
