Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan. Here are some of the bill's provisions:

  • National television spots featuring a culturally diverse cross-section of old men yelling at viewers to get a job
  • Will.i.am to record inspirational theme song for company with strongest quarterly hiring stats
  • President Obama will choose one business regulation to eliminate each week by picking a numbered ball out of a basket
  • Tax incentives for contractors who do shoddy work that will have to be repaired in a few years
  • Extends unemployment benefits through 2016 in hopes that next administration can figure out how to make jobs
  • Every company that hires a veteran receives a complimentary signed photo of Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki
  • $21 haircut tax credit for anyone with an upcoming job interview
  • 308 pages in which a manic Obama simply typed "Pass this bill, right now" countless times in various typographic permutations