On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected. Here is what to expect in this year’s speech:

• Obama to punctuate each point with skeet shot
• Throughout the speech, a large star-spangled beach ball will be batted around the House of Representatives to congressmen’s delight
• Michelle Obama to widen tight-mouthed grin slightly at mention of health care
• Sign language interpreter to be given two minutes at the end of the speech to say whatever she wants to the nation’s deaf
• Harsh criticism of the American people
• President Obama to give a shout-out to some sad business owner who hasn’t wised up yet and shipped all of his jobs to China
• Some light crowd work whenever Obama feels like it’s dead out there
• Planned gag where Gabby Giffords pops in behind the podium, making Obama think the riotous applause is for him