Dear The Onion,
In my yard there’s a bird that’s been injured. Should I just go step on it?

— Greg Romanov, Champaign, IL

Dear The Onion,
My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?

— Tod Perry, Birmingham, AL

Dear The Onion,
If anyone asks, can you say I was writing this on July 15 between the hours of 7 p.m. and 1 a.m.?

— Clarence Epstein, Arnett, OK

Dear The Onion,
It's about time your paper had a jingle. How about this? "Read The Onion every day!" Let me know if you want to hear the music.

— H. Lopez, Newfolden, MN

Dear The Onion,
Here are some people who I think read this newspaper: important businessmen, hip yet aging Gen-Xers, and cute indie girls who wear cardigans and listen to twee music.

— Rupert Lowe, Austin, TX

Dear The Onion,
I found all of the words in the Word Search! What do I win!?

— Michael Overberg, Perkasie, PA

Dear Sir Or Madam,
Is it true that if I turn my parents in for treason the government will let me stay up to watch The Little Couple?

— Cory, Clearmont, WY

Dear The Onion,
There are three people in my household, ages 34, 28, and 1. We are all of Asian (Vietnamese) descent, and our combined household income is $50,000-$64,999. Now, I hope to see more advertisements that appeal to us in your next issue.

— Kevin Trang, Alexandria, VA