Over the history of this institution, The Onion has published many stories that were, in retrospect, wildly inaccurate. The Onion would like to retract the following articles: "Taiwan Continues To Resist Mainland Rule," "China's Treatment Of Dissidents Under Scrutiny," "Chinese Ambassador Stalls Security Council Resolution On Darfur," "Chinese Restaurant Closed By Health Department," "Chinese Basketball Team Faces Olympic Defeat," "FDA Scrambles To Halt Contaminated Fish Imports," "Critics Pan Mad About You Series Finale," "'China Girl': Bowie's Unbearable New Single," and several more that we are unable to print in this space. The Onion regrets this unforgivable string of errors.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.
After defending Cindy for years, The Onion finally realized she’s no good. You were right.