Every Friday on IFC at 10/9c, Onion News Network brings you News Without Mercy, hurling 80 facts per minute in a full-frontal news assault. Here are last week's top stories:

Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator (Watch online now)
Sen. Dave Tillis and his publicly-inebriated lifestyle won over voters in the last election by loudly rambling about issues they care about proclaiming, "Drunkss are Amerricans! And we... we love America! An' we wannit to be awesome! Yeah!"

Woman Crying On Train Platform (Watch online now)
Don Abrams reported live on a very uncomfortable situation in San Francisco, where a woman was sobbing right there in front of everyone.

Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock (Only On IFC TV)
Heroic Prom King Trevor Wilson killed outcast, black-clad student Will Tracy before he could become unhinged and orchestrate a school shooting.

Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment (Watch online now)
Jean Anne Whorton went "Beyond The Facts” to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states.

FactZone Celebrates Five Years (Only On IFC TV)
The FactZone celebrated its 5th Anniversary with congratulatory messages from MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

U.S. Constitution Expires (Only On IFC TV)
Americans begin rioting after a janitor at the National Archives discovered an expiration date on the U.S. Constitution.

Find IFC on your cable system and follow @ONN on Twitter during the broadcast for live updates and commentary from anchor @BrookeAlvarez.