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Patriots


Strength: Is the AFC East team that has its shit together

Weaknesses: Concept of “The Patriot Way” might possibly be meaningless cover to obscure years of rampant cheating; Team still using incredibly outdated schemes based on opponents’ 2009 playbooks

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

Key Witnesses: Bill Belichick, former tight ends coach Brian Ferentz, everyone at the Cure Lounge during the early morning hours of July 16, 2012

Key Offseason Acquisition: Darrelle Revis is expected to thrive under Belichick once fully recovered from his oath of fealty ceremony

Goal: Engender hatred amongst country’s remaining 200 holdouts