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Openly Drunk Senator Tillis' Campaign Promises

February 18, 2011

Senator Dave Tillis rode a wave of popular support last November to become the first openly drunk senator in U.S. history. More recently, Senator Tillis has seen his poll numbers sink as the public expresses frustration with broken, so-called drunken campaign promises. Below is a list of such promises pulled from Senator Tillis' speeches:

"I'm gonna fix the economy by giving everyone jobs. There is so much to do, everyone can get jobs helping to do it!" -- before autoworkers in Muncie, IN on Oct. 11, 2010

"I'm gonna make a law that if you want medicine or food or clothing because you're cold or anything like that then there will be a guy who will give it to you no questions asked. And if you can't pay him then you can just get him back later and he'd be cool with that. It'd be the law." -- at a Milwaukee, WI children’s hospital on Oct. 19, 2010

"In every town in America there's going to be a movie theater that just plays like good old movies, or actually you can vote for what movie you want to see and they'll show it and there are couches and they serve beer and stuff and it's just a good time, and it costs, it's free to go because it's just owned by this rich guy who just does it because he loves it." -- to city of Akron, OH on Oct. 21, 2010

"There will be a tram, or a lot of trams, that will take you anywhere for free, even your house or Vegas or your wife's house." -- On Meet The Press on Oct. 23, 2010

"We're not going to have any taxes anymore. Can you hear me? No taxes! And I'm gonna fix all the problems. How does that sound ladies? If you like it say "yeah." -- to the Women's Voting Caucus on Nov. 1, 2010

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    Co-hosting FactZone is a dream come true for Tucker Hope. Not only does it give Tucker the chance to work side-by-side with the most respected name and most beautiful face in news, it provides the opportunity to use the touchscreen manipulation skills he has been honing since junior high on a touchscreen set up in his family's living room. In fact, Tucker was home-schooled to allow him to focus on perfecting his pinching and zooming and practicing his pronunciation of "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." In order to be at the ready or perhaps to keep an eye over his touchscreen, Tucker never leaves the studio, sleeping on a cot he set up behind his Recon Wall. Due to a contract stipulation created by Brooke, Tucker doesn't get paid by the Onion News Network but receives whatever the gracious FactZone host herself feels like he earned that week.