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    Optimism

    Slideshow • optimism • ISSUE 48•01 • May 14, 2012
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    • Pathetic Goal Reached

      INKSTER, MI–Pathetic local man Edwin Horton's hope of becoming slightly less pathetic came one step closer to reality Wednesday, in a way, depending on how you look at it, when the part-time mailroom clerk and fern enthusiast achieved his pathetic goal of coming up with one "positive daily affirmation of selfhood" for seven consecutive days.
      1 of 16
    • Kinko's Manager Hopes Child Stays Missing A Little Longer

      RICHMOND, VA—Though he hopes they won't have to, 35-year-old Thomas Pyle says his staff is standing by to print up a high-quality, full- color memorial poster of the young girl.
      2 of 16
    • New Children's Hospital Filled To Capacity

      ATLANTA—When Andrew Nash decided to abandon a successful career in land development to pursue his lifelong dream of owning his own children's hospital, he hoped the venture would be successful.
      3 of 16
    • Mean Automakers Dash Nation's Hope For Flying Cars

      Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.
      4 of 16
    • Silicon Valley Town Pinning Tourism Hopes On World's Largest Website

      SUNNYVALE, CA—The wonder in 8-year-old Hayley Dunbar's face as she stares out over what locals claim is the world's largest website makes it easy to understand why she and her father, Tom, drove all the way from Eugene, OR to see it.  "Wow, loo...
      5 of 16
    • Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation

      PARKER, CO—"Just when I had lost hope, I met a guy who wasn't married, gay, or repulsed by me," said 40-year-old Karen Ridenour, who was glad to find Paul Klein, or anybody.
      6 of 16
    • Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday

      MINNEAPOLIS—Joe Lennek, 24, a part-time pizza delivery driver and 1997 University of Minnesota dropout, rescued a three-foot length of metallic pipe from the trash Monday in the hopes of one day converting it into a lamp.
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    • Suburban Family Invests Hopes, Dreams In Gas Grill

      8 of 16
    • Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time

      HOPE SPRINGS, AR—The holy and sacrosanct miracle of birth took place yet again Tuesday.
      9 of 16
    • Nation's Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance

      WASHINGTON—Despite years of putting up with underperforming teachers, overcrowded classrooms, and a gradually deteriorating educational experience, American students reluctantly announced Tuesday that they would be giving the nation's public school ...
      10 of 16
    • NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June

      CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—"I'm already a fixture around here, and I get along great with everybody," said the eager 20-year-old cultural anthropology major.
      11 of 16
    • Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

      LOS ANGELES—Affleck envisioned the sidekick as being taller and slightly beefier the Bourne, and who would always look out for his best friend.
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    • Area Man Hoping Cell Phone Breaks So He Can Get Better One

      CHULA VISTA, CA—Dave Sychak, a San Diego-area project manager and self-described "gadget freak," has been increasingly careless with his 10-month-old cell phone in the hopes that he will have to replace it, sources reported Monday.
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    • Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday

      NEW YORK—In spite of the odds it faces in the ultra-competitive self-improvement segment of the publishing market, the forthcoming self-help book The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective firmly believes that it can be a bestseller, the 179-page non-fiction paperback said Tuesday.
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    • Nation's Unemployment Outlook Improves Drastically After Fifth Beer

      WASHINGTON—"All these goddamn layoffs, they're totally a blessing in disguise," said Donald Ellington, a completely hammered senior adviser at JPMorgan Chase.
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    • College Senior Hopes To Turn Love Of Data Entry Into Career

      BETHESDA, MD—"When you love archiving information as much as I do, you take risks," said Lisa Milch, who hopes her passion for data will transfer to the real world.
      16 of 16
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