Track and Field, 400m — South Africa

Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him

Mental Strategy: Dominates paralympic competitions once in a while just for a quick morale boost

Leg Features: Drops oil slicks to trip up approaching runners; satisfying “sproing!” noise

Mandatory Clapping Duration For His Inspiring Bravery When He Finishes 70 Meters Behind Everyone Else: 35 seconds

Background: Pistorius’ childhood doctor, Gerry Versfeld, is really good at amputating little boys’ legs and enjoys it very much

NEXT: Sir Chris Hoy