Dear The Onion,
I am out of the office until Oct. 5. If you have a pressing matter, please contact Helene at the front desk, and she can assist you.
03.28.09
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Dear The Onion,
There isn't much I don't know at least something about so if you guys ever need help with anything feel free to get in touch.02.09.11
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Dear The Onion,
Here are some people who I think read this newspaper: important businessmen, hip yet aging Gen-Xers, and cute indie girls who wear cardigans and listen to twee music.01.29.11
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Dear The Onion,
If you could spare a meal, I'd surely appreciate the bounty of your table. I aim to do some work 'round here to make things right. Thank you kindly.12.10.08
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Dear The Onion,
If I'm reading this in the paper, it can only mean Kyle did as I asked and took my letters to the post office. Way to go, Kyle!01.31.09
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Dear The Onion,
I found all of the words in the Word Search! What do I win!?06.03.09
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Dear The Onion,
The person who delivered my paper this morning looked underdeveloped—his body stuck somewhere between childhood and maturity. Please hire a more complete human to do your bidding.11.26.08
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Dear The Onion,
My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?02.23.11
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Dear The Onion,
Watch out. I think some people are out to get you. Namely, my wife and me.06.18.11
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Dear The Onion,
I see you have a presence on the Internet as well. Smart!03.09.11
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Dear The Onion,
Did you guys know that the number 13 is unlucky? Maybe you should only publish 12 pages. Actually, maybe you should only publish zero pages. INTERNET RULES.04.09.11
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Dear The Onion,
You may think Ziggy in Spanish pleases those of Latin blood, but what of those whose mother tongue is in fact the robust Catalan dialect? Shame upon those who think we Iberians are all cut from the same drap!01.28.09
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Dear The Onion,
Why did you let Blockbuster buy an ad? That seems kind of mean.04.20.11
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