0WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody's business. "Since the first documented sightings in Indianapolis last week, we have observed a sharp increase in yowzas and hubba-hubbas emanating from the Midwest, with a wave of homina-homina-hominas now rippling toward both coasts," DHW Secretary Rod Akers told reporters, warning that pulled-collar rates were at dangerously high levels nationwide. "Until the blonde is safely out of sight or medical professionals can adequately treat the growing number of eyes bulging from sockets, I would like to reiterate: Ahhh-ooooooga!" As of press time, the blonde had reportedly told nearby fellas not to get their shorts all in a bundle, releasing a highly contagious strain of "Hello, nurse!"
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