OVERLAND PARK, KS—Forensics team member Francesca Babin, 15, made it to Original Oratory finals despite leaving her visual-aid stand in the van.

More News In Kansas

• Newly Unearthed Time Capsule Just Full Of Useless Old Crap

  ISSUE 35•37 | 10.13.99 | News

  ATCHISON, KS—A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of Atchison, KS, Tuesday, when a 60-year-old time capsule unearthed from the site of a demolished library was found to contain a bunch of useless old crap. more»

  

• Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room

  ISSUE 30•07 | 09.25.96 | News

  BRAMP, KS—Freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to their room. more»

  

• New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True

  ISSUE 39•35 | 09.10.03 | News in Brief

  BUCKLIN, KS—The arrival of a royal-blue Global Armless Task Chair at Allstate Insurance Monday marked an extremely mundane "dream come true" for human-resources aide Patty Keely. "I so love my life," said a giddy Keely, 31, without a shred of irony. "I've been wanting a chair with wheels for so long, but I never thought [office manager] Don [Frissel] would get me one. Now my chair won't make that horrible scraping sound every time I stand up to file something. Yes!" Now that she has a new desk chair, Keely said she fantasizes about one day buying a Chevrolet Cavalier or visiting her cousin in Branson, MO. more»

• Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet

  ISSUE 46•10 | 03.08.10 | News

  CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen upbeat mentions of menstruation-related discomfort that greeted Vanessa McMillan as she reached her amazing milestone. more»

  

• Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity

  ISSUE 39•42 | 10.29.03 | News in Brief

  COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies. more»

• Men, Boys Separated

  ISSUE 43•15 | 04.11.07 | News in Brief

  CORNING, KS—The male population of a Kansas town was effectively separated into categorically distinct groupings by displaying either... more»

• Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage

  ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•18 | 05.03.06 | News

  EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Viewed through the lens of binoculars, the Hobsbaums' seemingly happy relationship reveals far too little. more»

  

• Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

  ISSUE 35•31 | 09.01.99 | News in Brief

  EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in her home. "Dust is falling on the box as we speak," said Reid, struggling to complete a side panel for a pink cozy. "This is worse than the uncovered spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom last year." In the past, Reid has knitted coverings for such once-naked items as the TV Guide, radio and grandfather clock. more»

• Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

  ISSUE 41•28 | 07.13.05 | News in Brief

  EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in her home. "Dust is falling on the box as we speak," said Reid, struggling to complete a side panel for a pink cozy. "This is worse than the uncovered spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom last year." In the past, Reid has knitted coverings for such once-naked items as the TV Guide, radio and grandfather clock. more»

• World War II Veteran Allowed To Kill One Last German

  ISSUE 32•05 | 09.02.97 | News

  EMPORIA, KS—WWII fighter pilot Herman Porter, 87, has been appealing to the federal government since 1948 for the right to kill one last German without legal repercussions. On Monday, the decorated soldier was granted his wish by the Senate Subcommittee on Defense Relations. more»

  

• Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

  ISSUE 45•41 | 10.10.09 | News

  FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich. more»

  

• Real-Life Grinch Celebrates 'Hanukkah'

  ISSUE 36•46 | 12.20.00 | News in Brief

  FREDONIA, KS–A real-life Grinch was found Monday in Fredonia, where, unlike his fellow residents, Josh Baum refuses to celebrate Christmas. "I'm looking forward to a nice Hanukkah," the Yuletide-shunning misanthrope said. "We'll be lighting the same menorah that's been in my family for generations." Baum would not comment on the possibility that spontaneous Christmas caroling would cause his small heart to grow three sizes. more»

• Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos On Price Is Right

  ISSUE 40•02 | 01.14.04 | News in Brief

  GREAT BEND, KS—Grandmother of nine Sadie Grunfelder, 71, expressed surprise Tuesday when a tattooed contestant was allowed to play "Buy Or Sell" on the long-running game show The Price Is Right. "I can't believe that Bob Barker would let someone with a tattoo up on stage," Grunfelder said from her recliner. "I would think they'd at least make him cover up that terrible thing. What if there are children somewhere, home sick from school, watching this show?" Luckily, Grunfelder's two other means of access to the outside world—the AARP newsletter and reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman—remain tattoo-free. more»

• Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

  ISSUE 34•13 | 10.28.98 | News in Brief

  HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders. more»

• Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.18.09 | News in Brief

  HUTCHINSON, KS—In an effort to build support for his controversial economic recovery plan, President Obama set out across the country in a... more»

• Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

  ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 43•20 | 05.16.07 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—The new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill any gaps left by the company's "Thinking of You" and "Just Because" categories. more»

  

• Facebook Friend Apparently Dead Now

  ISSUE 45•03 | 01.15.09 | News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—While checking his news feed for updates on the 438 people in his extended network Monday night, Tom Allessandro, 24,... more»

• Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant

  ISSUE 38•23 | 06.19.02 | News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way." more»

• Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag

  ISSUE 41•09 | 03.02.05 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Although those close to Buster characterize him as a good boy, the area collie-rottweiler mix reported Monday that he will never live up to the standard set by the show-quality golden retriever on the Purina Dog Chow bag. more»

  

• 7-Year-Old Loses Respect For Shrek After Seeing Him In Burger King Commercial

  ISSUE 40•27 | 07.07.04 | News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Cale Parnell, 7, said Monday that he no longer holds Shrek in high regard, ever since the green ogre started appearing in TV... more»

• Plan To Start Little Stationery Store Too Sad For Bank To Deny Loan

  ISSUE 45•08 | 02.20.09 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—64-year old Tim Creamsby's colored-pencil sketches of the storefront and plan to hire his granddaughter to answer phones melted loan officers' hearts. more»

  

• Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Malcolm Seward likes nothing better than hunkering down and reading the first 100 pages or so of a classic novel. more»

  

• Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

  ISSUE 44•49 | 12.04.08 | News in Brief

  KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being... more»

• Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

  ISSUE 41•33 | 08.17.05 | News

  TOPEKA, KS—Evangelical physicists are now asserting that objects fall because a higher power is pushing them down. more»

  

• Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

  ISSUE 40•20 | 05.19.04 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Senior sales representative Mark Seversen, already notorious at Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems for being an asshole, made the ultimate asshole move Monday when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole. more»