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    Patriotism

    Slideshow • patriotism • ISSUE 46•26 • Jun 28, 2010
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    • Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

      ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 46, has become a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
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    • Historians Discover Children's Menu On Back Of U.S. Constitution

      WASHINGTON, DC—The other side of Article I provides dining options for children under the age of 7.
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    • Congress Passes 'America Is #1' Bill

      WASHINGTON, DC—In yet another victory for America, the bill that makes its greatness official passed Congress Monday.
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    • Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev

      MARSHFIELD, MA—News analysts credit local resident Beverly Tollefsen's media success to her prime position on the corner of Webster Street.
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    • Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason

      WASHINGTON, DC—Assuring the nation that "there is no need for alarm," the Office of Homeland Security issued all U.S. citizens life jackets for some unexplained reason Monday.
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    • America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

      HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America's sweetheart Kirsten Dunst, after the film star broke up with the U.S. to be with some douchebag that everyone thought was gay.
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    • U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths

      WASHINGTON—Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.
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    • New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th Of North Dakota

      FARGO, ND—Representatives from the North Dakota Department of Commerce attended a ribbon-cutting ceremony Saturday for the new Strip Mall Of America, the state's largest shopping center to date.
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    • Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major

      NEW YORK—Teach For America has devoured another ethnic-studies major, 24-year-old Andy Cuellen reported.
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    • America's Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome

      ATLANTA, GA—Bouts of wanderlust and deep yearning have led a majority of RHS sufferers to head off in the direction of them twinklin' stars.
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