Dear The Onion,
I see you have a presence on the Internet as well. Smart!

— Doug Werner, Memphis, TN

Dear The Onion,
If you could spare a meal, I'd surely appreciate the bounty of your table. I aim to do some work 'round here to make things right. Thank you kindly.

— C. Meldrum, Manhattan, NY

Dear The Onion,
I'm a cartoonist! Check it out: Garfield goes to the doctor and can't get an appointment because he lost his wallet. I can start Monday.

— Jonathan Sabraw, Lafayette, IN

Dear The Onion,
Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing.

— Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY

Dear The Onion,
The person who delivered my paper this morning looked underdeveloped—his body stuck somewhere between childhood and maturity. Please hire a more complete human to do your bidding.

— Reginald Crusoe, Greenwich, CT

Dear The Onion,
My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?

— Tod Perry, Birmingham, AL

Dear The Onion,
I am canceling my subscription to your paper because I am getting together with my friends this week and we will need something to talk about.

— Wendy Pallow, Ann Arbor, MI

Dear The Onion,
My wife and I just happened upon your sex column last week and boy oh boy has it ever spiced up our marriage! Who knew that the woman could be on top?

— David Cashin, Ann Arbor, MI