ARLINGTON, VA—An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John "Scorch" Basin and Col. Keith "Scorch" Vitullo has found that a dangerous number of U.S. servicemen use the same nickname. "For commanders on the ground, calling out 'O-Ring' or 'Stroke' and having multiple heads turn poses a logistical nightmare and a grave risk to our troops in the field," chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael "Scorch" Mullen told reporters Tuesday. "How are you supposed to launch a predawn raid on a terrorist safe house when you've got 40 different men answering to the name 'Tex'?" In an effort to combat the problem, the Navy has issued a directive ordering 16,000 sailors currently known as "Topside" to henceforth use the nickname "Petty Officer 2nd Class Douglas C. Romero."