ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." "When I got the crate open at the office, it turned out the 'missiles' were nothing more than old sewer pipes filled with newspapers and capped with construction cones, all painted to look legit," Gates said of the transaction that was set up through an undersecretary whose brother-in-law knew a guy looking to unload some long-range strategic weapons. "I probably should have known when he tried to sell me a bunch of sunglasses, too." Gates confirmed that troops in Afghanistan are scheduled to receive the counterfeit missiles next week.