Child washing her puppy.Child washing her puppy.

Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

Child washing her puppy.

  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
  • Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.
  • Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys.
  • If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
  • Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm gay!"
  • Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug.
  • Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.
  • If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.
  • Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.
  • Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair–often matted with clumps of feces–with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.
  • When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
  • Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
  • Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the surface of the pet.
  • By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.
  • Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.
  • If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
  • Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
  • Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit.