Dear The Onion,

I own CARLO'S PIZZERIA on the corner of HURON AND CONCORD AVE. Unfortunately, advertising in your paper is too expensive for a small-business owner like me. So there's no way for me to let people know that CARLO'S PIZZERIA, which is OPEN LATE, is offering FREE BREADSTICKS WITH ANY LARGE TWO-TOPPING PIZZA.

Carlo Paladino, Worcester, MA, 135-8275