Summer is just around the corner, and that means one thing: family vacations. Here are some tips to make your brood's next trip a success:

  • Vacations can be educational, as well as fun. Take advantage of teaching opportunities while at places like Gettysburg Go-Kart & Waterpark and the Wounded Knee Outlet Mall.
  • If you have young teenage girls, a trip to the Far East can easily pay for itself.
  • Visit a local travel agency and load up on Caribbean-cruise brochures. Hold these brochures very close to your face for a quickie vacation-on-a-budget.
  • If you plan to be gone more than a few days, set an automatic timer to turn your lights on and off five times a second while pulsating techno music plays.
  • You should totally go to Bhutan, dude. There's, like, Buddhist temples there run entirely by monkeys.
  • Not all life-insurance policies will pay out if your family is killed in a foreign country. If this is your plan, ask yourself whether you're doing it for financial or personal reasons.
  • Lindsay Buckingham found out long ago: It's a long way down the holiday road. Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oad.
  • If you have teenage children, chances are they want nothing to do with you and your lame vacation plans. Stock the house with plenty of booze and leave them behind to drink and fornicate in peace.
  • Need food, gas, or lodging? Unfortunately, there are few places in the U.S. that furnish these things.
  • Organization is the key to a successful vacation. Have a German army officer plan your trip.
  • When driving across country, remember: Interstate rest stops are a great way for you and your family to enjoy free, anonymous gay sex.
  • Whenever possible, encourage your children to distract sleep-deprived, speed-addled men driving 20-ton trucks.
  • Make sure you fill up your kids with soda before you leave. You don't want them asking for soda on the road.
  • When visiting the Grand Canyon, try to suppress your overpowering urge to throw yourself and your family over the railing.