From the White House lawn to the family yard, children across the nation will soon join in the popular holiday tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. Here are some tips for planning the perfect Easter egg hunt:

  • In preparation for the Easter egg hunt, you'll need to build a chicken coop in your backyard, raise several dozen hens, and collect any eggs they lay over a four- to six-week period.
  • Drop fun clues about the location of the eggs with a series of cryptic comments to your child over several years leading up to the Easter egg hunt.
  • Right before the hunt begins, create a festive mood by dressing up as the Easter Bunny and reciting Romans 6:4, Matthew 28:1, and Mark 16:7.
  • In the case of large groups, split the hunt up into one for the younger kids and another for those who need to grow the fuck up already.
  • To help ease the wait, on the night before the hunt, go ahead and let your child hold an egg for a few minutes.
  • For younger children, try hiding eggs in easier-to-find places, such as atop a heated stove, the windowsill of an open window, the top step of a flight of stairs, or taped to an electrical outlet.
  • Beating a constant rhythm on a hand drum for the duration of the hunt will instill a sense of urgency in the children as they search for eggs.
  • If the kids still have trouble finding all the Easter eggs, begin hiding other things as well, such as their favorite toy or puppy dog, so they’ll find the will to look harder.
  • Take a 10 percent cut of all jelly beans to help children understand your time isn’t free.
  • Remember not to put anything inside the eggs to teach children the important lesson that life is full of disappointment.