BEVERLY HILLS, CA—According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts.

The Office of the Plastic Surgeon General—headed by a presidential appointee tasked with monitoring the national aesthetic, alerting the public to any small flaws, and offering a wide range of affordable, noninvasive laser resurfacing options—first addressed the countrywide plague of undersized breasts in the mid-1980s by demanding that manufacturers of A- through C-cup bras place large warning labels on their products informing female consumers of the potential risk of having deficient bosoms. Since taking the position in 2001, Dr. Saddler has continued these education efforts, launching several ad campaigns and personally reaching out to women all across the nation.

"The undersized breasts problem in the United States has reached crisis level," Saddler said during a press conference held at the National Centers for Rhinoplasty and Microdermabrasion. "Unless they receive immediate cosmetic treatment, millions of women in this country will lose the attention of their male acquaintances completely, and some may never be able to land husbands or, if they are somehow already married, keep their husbands' interest."

Added Saddler, "I urge all Americans to educate themselves about the differences between silicone and saline, and contact my secretary Linda to set something up."

According to information found on the plastic surgeon general's website, there are several easily identifiable indications that a woman may be afflicted with Chronic Breast Deficiency, or CBD. These include the inability to fill out tight sweaters, as well as invisibility when in proximity to women who have large breasts. Females with this disorder may also experience a troubling absence of back pain.

Despite impressive advances in augmentation mammoplasty in recent years, breast smallness continues to be a scourge on the female population, in some part due to the difficulty many women have in recognizing the symptoms. According to Saddler, some can live with a severe chest deficiency for years without realizing that they have a problem.

"A woman who suspects that she may have this condition can verify it with an extremely quick, normally painless test," said Saddler, later adding that symptoms such as a fluid, natural movement of the bosom or any breast shape other than a perfectly round, rock-hard grapefruit should also serve as definitive warning signs. "It's as simple as consulting a trained professional such as a strip-club bouncer or licensed drywaller to assess your personal risk."

"I cannot stress enough how important it is for women who believe they already have large breasts to remember that they can almost always benefit from having even larger breasts," Saddler added.

Citing statistics showing that small breasts strike women of every age, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, and that every region of the United States is uniformly affected with the exception of Southern California, the plastic surgeon general stressed that a nation of under-breasted women is "everyone's problem." In an attempt to reach out to as many citizens as possible, including those not directly afflicted, the Office of the Plastic Surgeon General has released a series of public service announcements that emphasize the important role men can play in helping to turn the tide of the epidemic.

"If your daughter, girlfriend, or secretary has small breasts, let her know that she should get the help she needs," Saddler says in one of the televised spots, standing before a diagram of Pamela Anderson. "Referring to under- endowed women's mammaries as 'mosquito bites' or likening a female's appearance to a diving board are just two of the many effective methods that can encourage those suffering from this unpleasant disorder to seek treatment."

The informative PSA also suggests several coping strategies that can allow small-breasted women to lead a relatively productive life while securing the funds necessary to have their disorder remedied. These include giggling at anything a man says, wearing shorter skirts, and engaging in empty promiscuity.

Although the plastic surgeon general's office has had a long-standing and fruitful partnership with the media to promote the image of a healthy, ample-chested lifestyle, Saddler said legislation may be the key to solving this crisis. Last week, Congress proposed a bill that would earmark $600 million to provide high schools nationwide with educational programs and literature.

"The younger a woman is when she realizes that she has this problem, the better off we'll all be," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO), head of the recently formed Itty-Bitty Titty Senate Subcommittee. "Of course, we support all women receiving treatment for this disorder, regardless of how old they are."

"But after they hit 45 or so, really, what's the point?" added Allard, referring to a condition known as aging, which is cited by the plastic surgeon general as another worrisome but treatable issue currently affecting 100 percent of American women.

Several studies have found that the dreaded aging syndrome also affects men, but, in those cases, is known alternatively as "dignification" and is generally considered to be an asset rather than an impairment.