NEW YORK—Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street. “This thing must be, like, 8 inches,” said police lieutenant Joseph Mattioli, gingerly holding up the 4-inch knife so reporters could get a good look at it. “It’s so sharp you could probably cut a piece of paper with it and leave a clean edge. And it looks like it might have blood on the tip, which is freaky. So be aware that there’s a guy, probably with a scar or an eye patch and maybe even a samurai sword, who has access to these knives, and he may flip out and stab someone if confronted.” Following the announcement, Mattioli asked citizens to come forward if they had any information about the owner of the knife or if they wanted to try throwing the knife into the wall to make it stick.