Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones
LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. "Thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement, women are less likely to be mildly sexually assaulted than ever before," LAPD spokesman Jack Baker said. "Now, as far as women being raped and abused in the most horrify circumstances imaginable, those numbers are of course way, way up. Almost astronomically so, really." As the odds of being inappropriately touched by a stranger on a bus continue to drop, Baker added that citizens can now rest easy as long as they're not worried about having their throat slashed after being raped by a partner or close friend.
More News in Brief
- « Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay ... (February 23, 2012)
- Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To ... » (February 25, 2012)
Recent News »
-
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything
-
Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
-
Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial
-
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter
-
Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die
-
Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest
-
Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart
-
Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game
