WASHINGTON—A slew of recently released polls from the nation’s top public opinion firms have revealed, well, essentially nothing about the 2012 presidential race, sources confirmed Monday. Conducted by Ipsos, Gallup, Public Policy Polling, and Rasmussen, the pretty much meaningless polls reportedly offered no deep insight into any key demographic in the United States and, when it comes down to it, were all basically pointless and a waste of everyone’s time. In addition, a CBS News/New York Times poll and an ABC News/Washington Post poll both showed essentially the same thing because, well, if the two polls are ultimately nothing more than ephemera, officials said, then there really isn’t much difference between the hollow findings of one and the other, now, is there? Moreover, a CNN Poll of Polls confirmed nothing concrete except for the fact that 100 percent of people who clicked on the headline linking to the poll’s results will never get back the three minutes of their lives they spent reading about nothing.
More News in Brief
Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office
COLUMBUS, OH—Based on his recent activity on Facebook, local man Arthur Gibson, 29, is reportedly under the impression that libertarian icon and former presidential ...
16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year
TERRE HAUTE, IN—A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next ...
American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day
CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to ...



21

