LOS ANGELES—According to reports, 29-year-old online commentator Caroline Shelham is somehow not completely ashamed of her own well-established identity as a "pop culture expert."
Shelham, who spends 10 hours every day consuming news updates on various entertainers and then commenting on their activities on an entertainment website, has reportedly shown no signs of humiliation or self-hatred over the way she spends the bulk of her time, and is also apparently not disgusted by the fact that this is actually what she does with her life.
"Basically, I like to look at what's going on in pop culture and comment on it with a sort of fresh, wry voice," said Shelham, who by all accounts still possesses the ability to look at herself in the mirror every morning. "I try to find things that I think are really lame and vacuous and then just tear them apart."
"I guess I see my role as being like an arbiter of what sucks and what doesn't in the world of show biz," added Shelham, seemingly under the sad impression that her work or existence has a meaningful use to society or the human race. "Somebody's got to do it."
According to Shelham, this week alone she has penned what she refers to with a straight face as "news stories" about the separation of actors Courteney Cox and David Arquette; a photograph of the singer Rihanna wearing a new outfit; and an advertisement for an upcoming episode of a television sitcom, all of which she was surprisingly willing to take credit for having written and disseminated.
She also composed a scathing, 800-word critique of the upcoming motion picture Burlesque that she suggested, with actual pride, was "some of [her] best work."
"I'm sorry, but it might be just about time for [Burlesque actress] Cher to go away now," wrote Shelham, who does not seem to find anything self-degrading in the fact that she earns a living by deriding people she does not, nor will ever, know. "I know you're doing your best to make us forget that we actually found you charming in Moonstruck, but let's just call it a day already, shall we?"
Shelham—the daughter of a small business owner and a retired nurse who paid for her to attend a liberal arts college—recently spent a large portion of what in her mind is somehow a day's work creating an itemized list entitled "10 Things I Hate About This Season Of Dancing With The Stars" that she accepted money for writing and allowed to be published without apologizing to her loved ones for the despicable action.
She was also among the first to find out that Ian Ziering is expecting a baby—a fact that she remains inexplicably proud of having learned nearly 14 hours before the general public.
"Why in the name of God would anybody even pay attention to Jessica Simpson anymore?" she recently asked without any sudden pangs of overwhelming regret or self-loathing. "I think it's high time somebody told her that nobody cares."
Though Shelham is an actual human being, her choice to intentionally put effort toward commenting on actor Kelsey Grammer's love life and the televised interactions of a group of New Jersey twentysomethings has evidently not caused her to contemplate the act of suicide.
"Say what you will about Perez Hilton's tackiness, but you have to respect what he's built," she said. "You know, I did a parody of him once? Kim Kardashian re-tweeted it."