Portrait Of A Hero
Yesterday, America was introduced to Trevor Wilson, the brave young man from Granton, Kansas who heroically gunned down a potential school shooter before the shooter could even obtain a gun. But to those who know him, Trevor's act of heroism was no surprise; The handsome football star and prom king has been serving as a role model for Granton's youth for years.
Numerous Granton residents told The Onion News Network about Trevor's history of volunteer work, including once trapping all of the squirrels in the town's downtown park and exterminating them by hand.
"No one asked him to do it," recalled family friend Ellen Haggerty. "Trevor just saw that the squirrels were a bit of a nuisance, so he caught them in traps he made and then took them down to his basement and videotaped himself as he killed them one by one. It was so sweet."
Trevor's teachers have equally glowing praise for Trevor. A short story he wrote for an English class last year about a young football player killing a classmate and wearing his skin as a coat was described as "extremely detailed" by his teacher Ron Wurther.
"The assignment was to write a three-page story, but Trevor turned in a 109-page hand-written manifesto. I've never seen a student apply himself so thoroughly."
Other teachers echoed the statement, including one who spoke in awe about a working crossbow Trevor built himself for a science project.
Sadly, despite his good deeds, Trevor has had to face tragedy many times. Seven of his previous girlfriends have gone missing. But the plucky youngster says he won't let even these losses keep him from having a great attitude toward life.
"I feel as powerful as a god," Trevor told reporters yesterday. "I am the Flesh Master. My thirst must be slaked with blood."
As co-host of the Onion News Network’s top-rated morning show, Today Now!, Jim Haggerty is no stranger to adventure. On the show, Haggerty has entered NASA simulators, sky-dived into the Grand Canyon, and chewed coca leaves with a group of Peruvian folk musicians who had appeared on the show. Haggerty’s busy schedule doesn’t stop him from pursuing side ventures. He has his own line of men’s fashions, is the spokesman for the EZ Car Vacuum Kit and authored "The Gentleman's Guide To Backyard Grilling." Haggerty studied Psychology at Arizona State University and spent his summers working at a local Renaissance Fair. After college, he moved to New York City and enrolled in a night-school program in broadcasting. His first big break was hosting the Onion Broadcasting Channel talent competition, "Dance, Dance, America, Dance."
Former prosecutor Shelby Cross takes no prisoners in her quest for justice. Whether she's berating a grieving mother for allowing her infant son to get murdered or advising viewers on how to make themselves unappealing to date rapists, Shelby Cross has your back.
As the co-host of the highest-rated morning show on the Onion News Network, Tracy Gill has interviewed thousands of celebrities, public figures, and newsworthy widows. Listed as one of Forbes’ Fiftysomething Most Powerful Women In Television, Gill founded the charity "Umbrellas Of Love" which seeks to spread the word about the dangers of flying debris through ad campaigns and educational programs. (Gill's own childhood friend was killed by an errant piece of plywood while waterskiing.) In order to meet the demanding schedule for Today Now!, Tracy generally only sleeps three hours a day, rising at 2 a.m. to begin the drive to the Onion News Network studios. Gill is the subject of an in-depth biography, “Over the Flames an Eagle Soared: The Tracy Gill Story,” which addressed media claims she is a cutthroat opportunist. In defense of Gill, the author likens Gill to an eagle -- a beautiful and respected figure, but one that must protect itself to survive. Gill is currently married to wealthy television mogul Bob Johanson. 
Co-hosting FactZone is a dream come true for Tucker Hope. Not only does it give Tucker the chance to work side-by-side with the most respected name and most beautiful face in news, it provides the opportunity to use the touchscreen manipulation skills he has been honing since junior high on a touchscreen set up in his family's living room. In fact, Tucker was home-schooled to allow him to focus on perfecting his pinching and zooming and practicing his pronunciation of "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." In order to be at the ready or perhaps to keep an eye over his touchscreen, Tucker never leaves the studio, sleeping on a cot he set up behind his Recon Wall. Due to a contract stipulation created by Brooke, Tucker doesn't get paid by the Onion News Network but receives whatever the gracious FactZone host herself feels like he earned that week. 
