With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec. 21. Here’s how people are preparing for what they view as an impending global catastrophe:

  • Hastily trying to get in the good graces of snake-bird god Q’uq’umatz
  • Lining up to see Here Comes The Boom before it’s too late
  • Frantically downloading latest software updates
  • Throwing aluminum cans in with regular garbage
  • Finally telling children which one is favorite
  • Getting special “doomsday” haircuts
  • Shooting a cop to see what it feels like
  • Allowing the extended warranty on Toyota Sienna to expire
  • Attempting to convince girlfriend this her last chance to try anal