LONG BEACH, CA—According to analysts, a perfectly clean and healthy shipment of Yu Wan Mei Tinned Fish Product, newly arrived from China, was rendered useless by the tainted hands of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration Monday. The inspectors—whose mercury-covered fingers had reportedly been dragged through towering mountains of bird dung before handling the superior fish product—molested the shipping container on the corrupt docks of California and took every effort to endanger the well-being of America's fish-consuming population. "The fish product was beautiful when it left our factories," said Zuo Xiabing, CEO of Yu Wan Mei. "It is no longer that way. I would prefer not to sell it to anyone in this impure condition, but sometimes the desire for fish product is so great that people will buy it no matter the risk." It is speculated that the vile inspectors somehow conjured superhuman speed and strength in order to puncture at least half of the lead-tin alloy containers and insert melamine into the other half. There exists no other explanation.鱼