Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online. Here is The Onion’s guide to keeping your personal information secure from hackers:

  • Always log into your Gmail account in person by traveling to Mountain View, CA and letting the Google folks know it’s you.
  • The key to protection is being informed about risks. If you receive a suspicious-looking email, assiduously click on all the links and follow their instructions to learn more about the threat.
  • To keep your phone data safe at all times, never unlock your iPhone screen.
  • Publicly post sensitive personal information about close friends and family to draw hackers away from you.
  • For usernames and passwords, choose something that’s easy for you to remember: a phrase you know you’ll never forget, like “Buchenw@ld,” “Dachau#!,” or “Bergen-Bel$en.”
  • Hackers have been known to infiltrate public Wi-Fi networks, so make sure to switch stores or cafés every 45 seconds while working in public.
  • Wear a plastic badge that says “CyberSecurity Force” to scare off snoopers.
  • Remember that if you offer hackers unconditional love they will no longer feel the need to hack.
  • Always be aware of your surroundings when accessing sensitive information in public. Listen closely for anyone nearby subsequently tapping on their laptop and then muttering, “I’m in.”
  • If you suspect your computer is untrustworthy, smash a radio in front of it with a hammer to send it a message.
  • There are lots of ways to stay safe online, but the most important are to just stay true to yourself and follow your heart.