Last week, the Arizona legislature passed a bill allowing business owners to refuse service to homosexual customers if the owners claim such actions conflict with their religious beliefs. Here are some of the notable provisions of the proposed law:

  • Hotel clerks must provide notarized letter from God or other deity when turning away guests
  • Reverses law requiring small business owners to perform same-sex commitment ceremonies after serving gay customers
  • If refusing service, business owners required to spit tobacco before saying, “We don’t take kindly to you folk”
  • Would no longer obligate businesses to treat all patrons as faceless, mindless sources of revenue
  • Gays can still buy muffins at the bakery, but they have to wait until the straight people have taken their pick
  • Thirty-eight-page speculative description of gay sexual encounter
  • Real estate brokers may now refuse whatever service they’ve convinced themselves they’re offering
  • Requires straight customers to spend a little extra money to make up the difference
  • Does not provide funding for Native American scholarships, which might’ve helped this baby go down a little smoother
  • Sets framework for Arizona State University to reject an applicant for the very first time in school’s history
  • Safeguards Arizona residents’ freedom to practice Jesus Christ’s teachings of love, inclusion, and tolerance