Dear The Onion,
Coping with my husband's death has been very difficult for me; it would really help if you stopped printing articles with the word "John" in them.

— Mary Tomlinson, Newark, NJ

Dear The Onion,
Sooooooo, my girlfriends and I have a bet and I'm the only one brave enough to write you a letter. Shut up, you guys, I'm doing it! Diane wants to know if you…shut UP, Diane, yes you DID! So anyways, Onion, my girlfriends and I…Candy, shut up, no I do NOT! Don't pay attention to them. Anyways, we were just wondering…GOD, Trish, that is NOT true! Hold on, Onion, I'll be back in a sec.

— Cece Brinder, Urbandale, IA

Dear The Onion,
Is America turning into a communist country? And if so, how do I apply for a job at the tractor factory? Thanks.

— Julie French, Dundalk, MD

Dear The Onion,
Here are some people who I think read this newspaper: important businessmen, hip yet aging Gen-Xers, and cute indie girls who wear cardigans and listen to twee music.

— Rupert Lowe, Austin, TX

Dear The Onion,
The articles in your Finance section are too complicated. From now on, could you instruct your journalists to use more hockey metaphors so that I know what's going on?

— Andrew Horesh, St. Paul, MN

Dear The Onion,
After the carefully thought-out letter I sent last week, I can't believe you published another paper this week as if nothing happened.

— Kendra Surach, Ewa Beach, HI

Dear The Onion,
My husband's in jail. He's going to be there for at least six more years. Pretty cool, huh?

— Linda Tegart, New Albany, IN

Dear The Onion,
How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't check exactly eight times before I left the house. I'm an adult, for Christ's sake.

— Rene Crouch, Spokane, WA