Ravens Inside Linebacker

Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls or witness stands; No problem wrapping up big backs, bringing them to the ground, and ripping out the entrails

Weakness: Wastes all of his energy during player introductions; Can’t fall asleep at night without a concussion; Will probably retire before ever decapitating competitor

Retirement Plans: Spend time with family, travel, chronic traumatic encephalopathy

Skill: Points out passing plays by running around on all fours and barking

Pet Peeve: When head gets caught inside ball carrier’s ribcage

Secret: Actually prefers not to yell, but has to because football stadiums are really loud

Post-Retirement Plan: Annoy the shit out of the entire country every Sunday alongside Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw

NEXT: Ed Reed