SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks. "Taking into account how they're always talking to each other about some client or project or something and acting all high and mighty, it is our determination that [the people on the fifth floor] are pretty much all cocksuckers," the report read in part. "They don't even look at you when you walk into the elevator, and they don't laugh at your jokes, either. It's like, ooh, sorry, people on the fifth floor, I guess we're not all attractive and wealthy like you. Pricks." The report also confirmed there was that one woman from there who looks kind of like Laura San Giacomo who smiled once, so she might be okay, but the rest of them can go to hell.
More News in Brief
Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible
SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people ...
Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema
NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing ...
Bashar Al-Assad Introduces Syrian Bike-Sharing Program
DAMASCUS—Saying that the initiative will reduce vehicle traffic, improve local air quality, and foster a strong sense of community, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced ...



5
