DURHAM, NC—The Duke Blue Devils lacrosse team celebrated a triumphant return to the field last Saturday, defeating the Dartmouth Big Green 17-11 in a game that featured six goals by junior Zack Greer, eight saves from goaltender Dan Loftus, and close to zero reported rapes. "The Duke lacrosse program plans to uphold its proud tradition of winning and barely raping anyone," first-year coach John Danowski told assembled reporters and law-enforcement officials after the match. "And it was great to see the record number of 6,485 fans in attendance, all of whom really showed their support except the two female undergraduates seated in Section 8A and [Blue Devils cheerleader] Chrissy [Heinman], who were being sexually assaulted." Danowski predicted many more victories and even fewer rapes as the season progresses.