MENLO PARK, CA—Though the event went largely unremarked upon at the time, a report published Monday by the Kaiser Family Foundation has found that the apocalypse, or end of the world, occurred three years ago. "According to our data, the total collapse of all human civilization occurred on or around April 3, 2008," said foundation representative Jodie Palmenterri, citing numerous instances of environmental disaster, humanitarian catastrophe, and economic ruin as unambiguous signs that the world had ended. "Those who have worried for years that human culture was headed toward calamity can rest easy, because it already happened. We are living in a postapocalyptic world. This is it." Palmenterri went on to say that because the apocalypse does not resemble the eschatological predictions of any major religion, it's safe to assume the gods have all forsaken us.
More News in Brief
Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio
CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed ...
Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible
SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people ...
Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema
NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing ...



254
