DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake, a new report revealed Tuesday that, come on, Carl, you’ve got to pull it together and get your life back on track.
That’s right; reports indicate that you, Carl Mendel, 33, of Dayton, Ohio need to wake up, get moving, and pull yourself out of this weird funk you’ve been stuck in for, what is it, sources confirm, three years now? Those familiar with the situation said that we all care about you, Carl, and experts claim it’s time you take charge and break out of this cycle of apathy that’s preventing you from living up to your potential.
“You know, life’s short, Carl,” said Brookings Institution president Strobe Talbott, who, like everyone else, confirmed that he just wants you to enjoy a healthy, happy, well-rounded life and basically get back to the old Carl who records show is in there somewhere. “But the way you’ve been behaving—losing sight of your goals, distancing yourself from your friends, being content with collecting a paycheck at a mindless job—it’s like you don’t even give a shit anymore.”
“That’s not the Carl I remember,” Talbott continued, later saying that you have a gym membership so you might as well use it once in a while. “Get your act together, man.”
According to the reports, Carl, you’ve been neglecting every single aspect of your life, with several sources in particular citing the disregard of your physical health, your hopes of forging some kind of romantic relationship, and, at times, Carl, and this is reportedly embarrassing to say, your personal hygiene. The findings demonstrate that your day-to-day routine presently consists of little more than coming home after work, ordering take-out food, flipping back and forth between HBO and ESPN or cycling through Netflix options for seven straight hours, and then going to bed.
Sources have repeatedly asked you if this is any way to live. Well, is it, Carl?
“You might be upset when you read this, Carl, but all of us agree that this is something you need to hear right now,” said National Research Council director Sandra Hernandez, echoing multiple sources who then asked you straight up, “Carl Mendel, is this what you want? Because we don’t think it is.” “Right now you’re 33. With a snap of the fingers you’re 43, and then 53. And then suddenly you’re a man in your late 60s wondering what the hell happened.”
“This is tough to say, but Amy ain’t coming back,” Hernandez added. “You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you need to accept that she’s gone and just move the fuck on. She wasn’t good for you, anyway.”
Past information emphatically suggests that the old Carl—the Carl who eyewitnesses recount always talked about starting his own business, the Carl who loved going to the park to shoot hoops with Eric and Ben, and who had some goddamned pride, for crying out loud—has been replaced by an unidentifiable zombie who’s reportedly drifting aimlessly through life like nothing in the world matters.
“I miss Old Carl,” fucking everyone who knows you has told reporters. “He had a spark in him.”
Seriously, Carl, sources confirmed, if you’re not going to get in gear, we might as well call a spade a spade and tell you what experts see when they look at you: a 33-year-old out-of-shape bachelor with no social life, no ambition, and a month’s worth of dirty laundry piling up in your closet. If this is really what you want for yourself, reports implore you not to let anyone stop you.
And, speaking of laundry, sources can’t help but ask: Would it kill you to put on a halfway clean shirt for once, Carl? Even if onlookers predict you’re planning on flushing your life down the fucking toilet, do you think you could manage that one small dignity while you reportedly sit on your hands and watch your life crumble around you?
You’re pathetic, Carl, those with firsthand knowledge of the situation said.
Okay, okay, observers agree that was a little harsh. Sources have confirmed over and over again that it’s just that we all really care about you, buddy, and it’s difficult to watch you fall apart like this when you’ve reportedly got so much potential. The fact is, reliable independent studies have shown you’re an intelligent, capable, wonderful man who graduated with honors from William & Mary, for crying out loud. And the lead authors of those same studies just want to see you do wonderful things: rediscover that fire, find a woman whom you can share your experiences with, find you, Carl.
Officials close to the matter say you can do all these things, and they’re right, Carl, but you’ve got to take that first step. You’ve got to get back to being the best Carl you can be, and when you do, reports confirm that we’ll be right there behind you, cheering you on.
We love you, Carl, sources added. You big dumb son of a bitch.