ARLINGTON, VA—According to witnesses at the scene, a man sitting on a park bench with an empty paper bag lying across his lap is at this moment giving it to a foot-long meatball sub like it's his job. "God, look at him go," said Matt Ponce, an Arlington resident who described the man's passion for the half-eaten sandwich as "awe-inspiring" and "disgusting." "He's practically making love to the thing. Man. Get a room." As of press time, the man was still sitting on the bench, breathing heavily and staring at the empty space between his hands where the meatball sub could once be found.