WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 54 percent of Americans now turn around whenever they hear the phrase “Hey, Lardface” spoken, up from 48 percent just five years ago. “Following a continued deterioration of dietary habits and a nationwide plummeting of self-esteem, people who respond to the name Lardface now make up a solid majority of the U.S. population,” acting census director Tom Mesenbourg said at a press conference, adding that in some parts of the nation the moniker is so common it has even begun to lose its negative connotation. “Similar results, particularly in the Midwestern states, have been tabulated for names such as Fat Fuck, Tubby, Tubbo, and Wide Load.” After hearing these last words spoken, several journalists in attendance reportedly looked up from their notepads as if someone were addressing them.