PHILADELPHIA—According to a new study published Monday by the University of Pennsylvania, the overwhelming majority of football fans are far more informed on the health of NFL players than that of their own parents. “Our surveys indicate that despite an intimate, up-to-date knowledge of various ailments affecting star football players, many fans are largely oblivious to any deterioration of health in their mother or father,” said lead researcher Howard Cenotto, adding that the average fan’s awareness of any given player’s medical history—including past injuries dating back to college—far exceeds any knowledge of heart or blood pressure medications recently prescribed to their parents by a primary care physician. “Most often miss the first glaring signs of Alzheimer’s or dementia in their parents, while also being completely unaware that one or both have been recently diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes. Meanwhile, they remain fully informed of the health of their favorite team's players—pinpointing precise stages of progress in injury rehab and possessing extensive insight into potential complications resulting from any impending surgeries.” The report went on to confirm that the majority of football fans also have absolutely no grasp whatsoever on their own general state of health and can’t remember the last time they visited the doctor for an annual checkup.