Last week we reported that our resident bridge columnist Mort Numan was on vacation. Turns out he had actually fallen into a diabetic coma and the whole time was just slumped under his desk, hidden beneath a mound of future columns. The Onion regrets the error. His column Bridge Beat will resume in next week's issue and will probably continue—let's see here—for another six months or so.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.